Thursday, June 12, 2014
This post has been marinating for a while and I even considered just NOT writing it because no-one's-business-but-mine, right? Except I feel like the time has come to own it.
I've (mostly) left the Mormon church. I did it quietly, with a few personal conversations and a quick change of underclothing. No fanfare, just a stepping back that hasn't even been noticed by most of my closest friends.
As for the (mostly) part: Aaron is still a believer and I love and respect him for it. He supports my decision but requested that we continue to attend church as a family. I like that idea. So...I go. Sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I quietly leave early. Sometimes I have to raise my hand and stand up for what I believe, even though I know it will shove me even further into Black Sheep Territory.
It's ok, I'm pretty familiar with that terrain by now.
I've been struggling for years (4ish, to be a little more specific). I worked really hard over those 4 years to get over it, make my peace, rejoin the fold. But, the fact of the matter is: I don't believe in or support much of what the LDS church teaches. I haven't for a long time and the cognitive dissonance was starting to negatively affect my mental and emotional health.
As it turns out, trying to mash yourself into a box that just plain doesn't fit anymore can be sort of damaging.
Despite my difficulties, I've retained my basic faith in God and Christ. Because of that, I've had it in the back of my head that I would always make an effort to reconcile with the church. For the sake of my family, I would try. I felt wanted, despite my need to back away.
I have many thoughts regarding the events of the past couple days but the one that keeps coming back to the forefront is this:
I am not wanted.
On a local level that may or may not be true (I can think of people on both sides of that fence) but, at the uppermost levels, a message has been sent: square pegs are not wanted. Move along.
It breaks my heart that many of my dear, struggling friends are taking that message to heart. They wanted to make it work. I wanted to make it work. But this tells us that we will never be able to fit unless we drastically change who we are. We won't be allowed to be authentic, to be our true selves in all our square-peg-ish glory. Round pegs only. Sand yourself down or get out.
Sanding was too painful. I'm out.