1. I am scared of birds. Up in the sky is fine. In my immediate vicinity is not.
2. I am weird about germs. I would say borderline OCD about them and in the real mental-health disorder way, not the cutesy quirky way. Panic and compulsive hand-washing have been known to occur.
3. Aaron works from home. He is ALWAYS home. He'll be gone for lunch meetings a few times a month but for him to be gone all day long is ridiculously rare. Thursday was one of those rare days.
Stinky has preschool on Thursdays. After I picked him up we stopped to see a friend in the neighborhood and we were away from home for a couple hours. When we were pulling into the driveway I remembered that I had accidentally left one of the back sliders open. Oops. Stinky went in through the garage door while I got Baby 2 out of his car seat.
Stinky, giggling: Hey, Ma? There's a birdy in our house!
Me, wrestling Baby 2 out of the car: What do you mean there's a birdy in the house?
Bird, flying into the walls and ceiling: SQUEEEEQUEEESQUEEEQUEEEEEE
Me: AGHHH STINKY GET OUT OF THERE GET OUT GET OUT
The three of us stood around in the garage for several minutes while I tried to figure out what on earth to do about the freaky bird of disease and death polluting my kitchen. You know, THE PLACE WHERE WE EAT. This was when the manic crying hyena laugh started.
The situation was pretty funny, so I started laughing. Which turned into hysterical laugher. I laughed so hard I cried. The situation was also terrifying and frustrating so the crying also took hold until I was laughing hysterically while also bawling. And sounding like a hyena. This went on for a while.
I finally pulled myself together enough to be functional and realized I couldn't do anything about the bird from the garage and we had to get in the house. "On the count of three," I told them.
We have a baby gate between our kitchen and living room. In my rush to get the freak away from the bird I pushed through the baby gate which rebounded and slammed shut behind me. I ran off down the hall to hide in my room.
Yes. I abandoned my 2 and 4 year old in the kitchen. With the bird.
(In my defense, they were not scared of the bird, only annoyed at being locked in the kitchen, which they hate in any situation)
We hid in the boys' room (with the door locked, thanks to Stinky) while I made a few calls. Aaron didn't answer. Mom was at work and helpfully mentioned the possibility of the bird getting in my hair (WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT). I called a couple of other friends, none of whom could help me and some of whom couldn't even understand me, thanks to the return of the manic crying hyena laugh.
I was struck by a sudden, horrible thought that maybe the bird would fly out of the kitchen, through the living room and down the hall into my bedroom, where it would then walk on my pillow. So I ran to the spare room, pulled down my photography backdrop and used it to block off the hallway.
|No birdies allowed|
And then I quieted my crazy sobbing laughter as much as possible and crept to the kitchen to check out the bird situation.
|I can't get the sliding door open if you're sitting over it. Idiot.|
Any time I got near the kitchen the bird would freak out and then the manic crying hyena laugh would get really loud and I finally just laid on the floor and tried to make peace with the idea that the bird might be in my kitchen until Aaron got home really late that night. The bird clearly had not realized the garage door was open for him and I couldn't get to the slider. We were at an impasse.
Stinky decided to take matters into his own hands. He marched out of his room and declared, "Ma? I'm going to help you, ok?" I opened the gate for him and he stood in the kitchen for a good 15 minutes trying to reason with the bird.
"Birdy! You're being very silly. You need go outside. Your mommy is out there! The door is open! Go out the door, birdy!"
Weirdly, the bird kind of listened to him. Or at least it didn't freak out because of his presence (and vice versa). Stinky coaxed the bird to the other side of the kitchen. I figured maybe the bird wasn't scared of short people so I dropped to the floor and army crawled to the slider and opened the blinds. Unfortunately, our slider has a lock at the top so I had to stand up to get it.
Bird freak out. Drop to the floor. Manic crying hyena laugh under our kitchen table.
The bird calmed down and I army crawled to the pantry to get the broom. Between Stinky and I (but mostly Stinky, who calmy ate a tortilla while also shooing the bird) we finally got the nasty critter out the door so I could bleach my kitchen and start having nightmares about weird bird diseases attacking my family.
(Title and pillow reference can be found in full hilarity here)