A couple years ago I got writer's block and asked readers for some writing prompts to get my brain going again. Janell gave the prompt to write about something I was really scared to do. Since our 5th anniversary is next week it just seemed appropriate to re-post my response!
When I read that prompt I could FEEL the terror of December 21, 2005. The thudding heart, the clammy hands, the churning stomach, the dancing vision.
The day I got married.
Oh yes. I was scared. Panic-stricken! On my wedding day. I almost threw up.
All through our engagement I was perfectly happy. I was thrilled to be marrying Aaron! I didn't even care much about the details of our wedding because I was so busy being totally smitten. The day couldn't come quickly enough.
And then it actually came.
First I have to explain something to my non-Mormon readers. Most members of our church strive for temple marriage. We believe that families can be eternally bound together when married (or "sealed") in the temple. We also believe that temples are sacred and only those who are worthy and prepared can enter and observe and take part in the ordinances that happen therein. Most boys enter the temple before leaving on their missions at age 19 and most girls enter right before they get married or serve a mission at age 21.
All this means means that my sealing to Aaron would be the first temple wedding I had ever seen and therefore I had NO IDEA what was going to happen. My actual thoughts were horribly irreverent, so let's just say I was worried about some really strange possibilities.
Plus there was that whole sex thing.
Mormons believe in chastity before marriage. Meaning you get to do a little light smooching but that's it until you're good and legally wed. After that you are encouraged to go for broke and multiply and replenish but that means after a lot of years being told, "no no no no" all of a sudden they're like "GO." And you're like, "Wait, what, now? All the way? Are you sure?"
So there was kind of a lot on my mind as we drove to the temple that morning. I asked Aaron if he was nervous and he said, "Nope!" And that just made me MORE nauseous.
By the time I hit the bride's room at the temple I was really on the verge of a panic attack. Aaron's mom, Sharan, was dabbing at her eyes while I got ready. Such was my state of mind that I looked at her and asked if she had allergies. Because clearly that's the only reason she would be teary on her son's wedding day. I was too busy to cry. I had to keep my eyes open for exits.
While Aaron and I were waiting to walk into the sealing room I told him I was thinking about running. Props to him for not being too offended (although, he still brings it up from time to time).
Finally, we walked in, we were sealed. It was simple and beautiful and totally normal. There was nothing to fear.
Except by then the damage was done. I ate a few saltines at our luncheon, excused myself to the restroom a couple times because I was pretty sure I was going to throw up and finally had Aaron take me home so I could lay down before our reception. After napping for an hour I was finally able to get a hold of myself and enjoy our reception (...and overcome my fear of that other thing).
Getting married. The scariest thing I've ever done.